Saturday, March 14, 2009

Histories of the World

Been lazy on updating the blog. I spend time pissing people off on the Alaska Standard site. Too much fun.
But my sister sent this viral email to me that I had to respond in kind to. The original email is followed by my response:
For those that don't know about history ... Here is a condensed version:

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1. Liberals, and
2. Conservatives.

Liberals developed the concept of mass prodictOnce beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement. The hunters were effective and soon they had slaughtered most of the game in but there was so many of the soon

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.
Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have highertestosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood, and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair ! to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Bud. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, members of the military, airline pilots and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history:

It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.

A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to tick them off.
And there you have it. Let your next action reveal your true self


My "angry" response:
The true history is that the original conservative went extinct eons ago. Many of the “conservatives” today don’t believe this because they deny the science of evolution. This should ensure their extinction as a class, but fortunately for these conservatives, the liberals continue take pity on them and share the medical and technical advances that are possible through the understanding this basic science fact. Every year a lot of conservatives line up for the newest evolution of flu shot that the liberal establishment continues to produce.

The deal was that the conservatives continued to hunt until they had depleted much of the game around their caves. They got through the lean times because of the gathering, mostly done by their woman. Studies show that a majority of the calories consumed in hunter/gatherer cultures come from gathering activities. So the men would sit around in their dark, dank caves and moan and grunt about how good the “good old days” were. They would scream about how their life was being ruined by so and so as they got sotted from their fermented berries or fishheads or whatever they could catch a buzz from. All the while the women were out working. This pattern of behavior continues in many “conservative” households.

It was during this roaming around looking for food with a baby stuck on each breast and dragging 4 other dirty children, digging up roots and picking berries for their man’s fermented muck, that these women ran into communities of liberals. They were entranced with the warm homes, the plentiful food, the public education, the public trails and sanitation. They were amazed that the women would have smaller families and have the option to breed or not. They would return to the cave and have their drunken man collapse on the gathered food, tell them it was god’s will to have another child and then fall asleep after he had impregnated her for the 14th time.

In these communities they found real beer too. Not the stuff that their men were drinking back from that hole in ground in the cave. The cultivation of grains happened through the application of principles of evolution. It took science and experimentation to mass produce beer. Some woman took some of this excess beer back to the caves, with the grains to make it. The conservative tribe changed the beer into a light watery substance they called “Butt Wiper” because of the gastric effects typically occurring the next morning. Of course this is now Budwieser. The liberals continued to produce beer of quality and substance. This understanding and cultural legacy of good beer eventually led to the legalization of homebrewing by the great President Carter in 1979, which then spurred the development of the microbreweries that has raised the quality of beer worldwide.

But I digress. Over time many of the women and some conservatives’ children would spend vacations in the liberal villages. Many never went back to the cave and the liberal communities flourished while the conservatives’ numbers dwindled. Eventually the conservatives became just a bunch of old white men sitting around complaining about the high taxes in the liberal communities and how the dykes and socialists were destroying their cave communities.

1 comment:

Jim Woodard said...

I feel so blessed, being apart of the FreshWrestler Blog, it has always been one of my life long goals. I have now reached this plateau in my life. Yet I feel like I need to keep adding to this accomplishment and give you more and more nuggets of info in order to keep your mind turning in the bitter cold and darkness of Alaska. Maybe these nuggets of Conservative thought will keep you tipping that beer to your mouth and your mind churning for hours upon end, until you add more of my Conservative values to your Liberal blog. I am sorry that the History of the World that we teach here in TEXAS, is what you call uninformed History. Yet, we have such great Presidents as the Bush's and LBJ that come back to call Texas home again and again. I also feel that is why you make the occasional trip to Dallas and Galveston to see my lovely smiling face and to escape the pressures of the Liberalist ways. Yes, the Conservative way of life is much easier and less stressful here. It is almost like Heaven, even now with our 80 degree weather and our Breweries churning out as much beer as my body can ingest plus some extra for a few guests from out of state.

Even though I have more to say, I must bid you adieu, so that I may get back to Teaching my class and answering questions of why if beer is good for your body and makes you feel good, then why do we get hangovers. Yes, my teaching and drinking skills that I learned in College are really coming in handy in the world of professional education! Hope all is well with you and your family.....Tell them all I wish them my best!

Sincerely,
The Buffet Ingesting, Beer Guzzling, Dodgeball Flinging, Cruise Ship Karaoke Singing, and Ultra-Conservative Member of the FreshWrestler Dodgeball Team........Jim Woodard!